Seems to be the theme of the week for most people around me. I have seen others hurt the ones they love most by not thinking before they opened their mouths. I have also been on the receiving end of words that hurt me deeper then I thought possible this week. I have learned over time to try and think before I say things I know that I will regret. I learned that when I am hurt or angry I tend to say the things that I know are gonna hurt that person the most. I want them to feel like me, hurt as bad as I do. There is however no excuse, no matter how angry we are, to say anything that could damage someone’s self-esteem,self-worth, or even their pride. For those of us that have almost no control over what seems like a broken record playing in our heads of all the bad things that people have said or even our own self-defeating thoughts, it can be the most damaging thing ever. Those words never truly leave us. I have always said that I preferred the physical abuse to words. Bruises heal, my mind never forgets the hurtful words someone said to me. That are then replayed over and over on a never ending cycle of self-hating thoughts in my head. So before you destroy someone, try and think of what you are about to say before its too late to fix what you broke.
So after 40 years of many roadblocks and speed bumps in life, I’m gonna try something different. I’ve always wanted to be a writer but never had the time nor energy to try and pursue it. Now I think its time for me to do what I have always wanted to. And not really worry about those who criticize me anymore. Time for a new Start!!!! A whole new me has emerged. It’s been a rough transition and I almost didn’t make it through, but watch me spread my wings and fly! I actually feel stronger and able to take on life’s curve balls without striking out. This time is different then any other time I thought I was on the right track. I have never in my life actually felt at peace with life. I have always stressed over every little thing, worried that I was disappointing everyone, or self-beaten myself on things that I thought should have gone different. I can honestly say that I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up over the smallest screw up, telling myself that I am worthless. I am still learning to override my head when it comes to all the negative things that tend to repeat on a never ending loop, but I have gotten a whole lot better at doing it. It may have taken years but I am finally on my way to being in remission with my borderline disorder. I am even doing it without medication. I am one of the unlucky people whose body processes medicine in the lightning fast lane. Which meant that I had to up doses almost weekly when I was taking medicine. At one point, I was on 15 pills morning and night, and roughly 6 through out the day. I was a walking zombie at that point because the doses were so high. Granted I felt nothing because of it, so my emotions were controlled. I hated feeling like that, watching my life like I was watching a movie. I was numb to everything going on around me. I vowed to myself to never let that happen again. I have slowly over the years and many failures, learned how to control my head when it starts going into overdrive and my emotions when they start running wild. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my melt downs and blow ups. They just aren’t as violent as they used to be. I know that occasionally I feel the black out rage and overwhelming depression threaten to take over (and sometimes it does take over) but nothing like it used to nor as often. I am a work in progress and if you had met me 15 years ago, you wouldn’t recognize me now!!!!
There are so many things in life that I wish I could go back and change. Things that I screwed up to the point I don’t know if I can try and fix it now. My biggest regret in life is, in doing what I thought was best for my children’s best chance at a normal life, I may have hurt them more than I ever thought possible. I never wanted my kids to have to deal with any of the issues that I do. I wanted them to be ok. In trying to protect them, I may have caused all the issues I tried to keep them from. Most of my childhood is a blur to me. Especially in early years. I’m not sure what the first trauma was that may have sparked my borderline personality. Whether it was when I was 6 months with a broken rib taken from my bio mom, or when I was 2 and my bio father gave me up to the family that adopted me. My children went thru hell when they were under the age of 7. I was diagnosed after I had all 5 of my kids. I was 24, a single mom of 4 by that point, and dealing with a divorce(the state actually was involved in that due to domestic violence), having a full-time job ( then not having one), and trying to be a kid myself. A very explosive combination. I am good at putting off stress for so long, but when I get to the point I can’t anymore, I lose it like Alice in Wonderland. I blow up at stupid things that normally wouldn’t make me mad, start drinking like a fish, go to the bar every night, spend money I didn’t have to try and make myself feel better. When my issues finally came to the surface and I was diagnosed (after a suicide attempt due to a bad reaction to medication), I was in a mental hospital. That’s the first time I had ever heard of Borderline Personality disorder. I knew about my depression and anxiety but that’s all I thought I had. Borderline, once I did my research on it, explained a lot about why I was the way I was. Which started a very long and bumpy journey of figuring myself out. I will admit, I’ve come a long way from where I was 20 years ago. Thankfully, a much calmer and less drugged version now. Now, I am on the long road of trying to figure out how to fix the damage I’ve done to my children.
TO BE CONTINUED…….
Thanks for joining me!
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
Hi, my name is Samantha and I have been blessed with about as many diagnoses as one person should ever end up with. I have endured many ups and downs with life and have been on a continuous journey of figuring out who I am. Which is not saying that I am even close to figuring out who that is. I am hoping to one day be able to say that I have but in this life, who knows.
I was adopted at the age of 4 and grew up in a house full of foster kids. My parents adopted 5 others besides me, roughly about every 10 years. I was the oldest and needless to say all responsibility fell on me. While we didn’t hurt for anything materialistically, I did earn everything I was given. I babysat my sisters from the age of ten, worked at my parent’s store, did odds and ends to earn what I had. I had my first job at the age of 16 (not for my parents) and was in college by 10th grade. I was an overachiever, to say the least. Then I met my first husband, found my biological parents, and decided to rebel. Because I had lived such a sheltered life when it came to people and anything outside my horses, my ex had a prime victim to work with. But that’s a story for another day. We had 5 children together by the time I was 24. Our oldest was taken from us a day before she turned five months old. I was in a car accident (my fault) and she never woke up. We made the decision to take her off life support on May 28, two weeks before I turned 20. I don’t think anyone ever recovers from something like that. I had 4 more children after her and I would do anything for them. I am now a very proud grandma of my first grandson.
I was diagnosed at the age of 25 with Borderline personality disorder, anxiety, major depression, adhd, mild ocd, and c-ptsd. That was after my first suicide attempt where I was hospitilized for the first time. Granted they said my suicide attempt was actually because of the medicine I just started. It was decided at that time that mood stabilizers weren’t for me. Since that time I have tried what seems like every med out there. I was on so much at one time that I was a walking zombie, 18 pills in the morning, 6 throughout the day and 15 at night. Now I do it without pills. It’s taken a long time to come to this point, where for the most part I have control of my emotions and anxiety, but it’s still a day to day process. This is one way of me attempting to make myself better. I have always had a big heart and would do anything to help people. So if I can help one person learn how to deal with their emotions without meds(if that is what they want to do) then I will consider this a success.
I am hoping that writing on here does at least a couple things for me: 1) help me to let my emotions out in a hopefully less destructive way than usual and 2) may bring some hope and light to someone who may be going through a rough time. I will admit to being about as flaky as corn flakes but maybe I’ll finally get on a schedule at writing. I am living proof that you can go through hell and come out without being singed for the most part. I have learned throughout life that your only given what you can handle. At this point, I am pretty sure whoever is in charge up above thinks I am indestructible or bulletproof.