The Journey Begins

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Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Hi, my name is Samantha and I have been blessed with about as many diagnoses as one person should ever end up with. I have endured many ups and downs with life and have been on a continuous journey of figuring out who I am.  Which is not saying that I am even close to figuring out who that is. I am hoping to one day be able to say that I have but in this life, who knows. 

I was adopted at the age of 4 and grew up in a house full of foster kids. My parents adopted 5 others besides me, roughly about every 10 years. I was the oldest and needless to say all responsibility fell on me. While we didn’t hurt for anything materialistically,  I did earn everything I was given.  I babysat my sisters from the age of ten, worked at my parent’s store, did odds and ends to earn what I had. I had my first job at the age of 16 (not for my parents) and was in college by 10th grade. I was an overachiever, to say the least. Then I met my first husband, found my biological parents, and decided to rebel. Because I had lived such a sheltered life when it came to people and anything outside my horses, my ex had a prime victim to work with. But that’s a story for another day.  We had 5 children together by the time I was 24. Our oldest was taken from us a day before she turned five months old. I was in a car accident (my fault) and she never woke up. We made the decision to take her off life support on May 28, two weeks before I turned 20. I don’t think anyone ever recovers from something like that.  I had 4 more children after her and I would do anything for them. I am now a very proud grandma of my first grandson.

I was diagnosed at the age of 25 with Borderline personality disorder, anxiety, major depression, adhd, mild ocd, and c-ptsd. That was after my first suicide attempt where I was hospitilized for the first time. Granted they said my suicide attempt was actually because of the medicine I just started. It was decided at that time that mood stabilizers weren’t for me. Since that time I have tried what seems like every med out there. I was on so much at one time that I was a walking zombie, 18 pills in the morning, 6 throughout the day and 15 at night. Now I do it without pills. It’s taken a long time to come to this point, where for the most part I have control of my emotions and anxiety, but it’s still a day to day process. This is one way of me attempting to make myself better. I have always had a big heart and would do anything to help people. So if I can help one person learn how to deal with their emotions without meds(if that is what they want to do) then I will consider this a success.

I am hoping that writing on here does at least a couple things for me: 1) help me to let my emotions out in a hopefully less destructive way than usual and 2) may bring some hope and light to someone who may be going through a rough time. I will admit to being about as flaky as corn flakes but maybe I’ll finally get on a schedule at writing. I am living proof that you can go through hell and come out without being singed for the most part. I have learned throughout life that your only given what you can handle. At this point, I am pretty sure whoever is in charge up above thinks I am indestructible or bulletproof.