And they call me crazy!!!!

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So this week has been the most trying and rough week I have had in a long time. All thanks to the wonderful thing we call family. I am still trying to figure out how people are able to justify someone’s actions that are horrendous in all accounts as ok because “that’s just mom”? How is it ok to tear someone down and blame them for all these things when in reality your the one who did them or is doing them? How can someone deliberately put their own child, someone they claim to love with their whole heart, out as the scapegoat for everything even when they did nothing wrong. I am so sickened by the fact that this was all done over “money”. Something I never honestly believed I would get to begin with based on past experiences with this woman and her greed.

I know I am wrong for some of the things that I did out of anger and hurt. But never in a million years would I have brought an innocent child into something so petty. And for a 60-year-old retired woman, who worked with Social Services most of her life, and adopted 6 children, you would think that she would know better. But no, she is trying to ruin a 15-year-olds life just as he is getting it together and starting to understand himself what it is like to have borderline personality disorder. I have never understood why people always put on airs when they clearly were fake and why people flocked to them. Growing up in school, all the kids in my grade and my age group-ish, flocked to the woman who claims to be my mom. I couldn’t understand why when she clearly was nice to their face and then as soon as they walked away stabbed them in the back to everyone else. And everyone else just went with it. No one believed me when I said she was evil incarnate and I couldn’t wait to leave her house. She was controlling to the point I had no friends growing up. I wasn’t allowed to do the things my cousins (who were the same age) were, hang out by a fire partying or anything. Once I got my drivers license and my own money it got a little better. Still, even when I graduated and had a factory job, I had a curfew that most kids had at 16. I was 18/19. I was so sheltered that when I met my first husband, I had no warning on what life really was. But 5 kids later, I figured it out eventually. Granted that was after DHS, courts, divorce, numerous physical assaults, mental abuse,2 suicide attempts,  and the first I had ever heard of borderline personality disorder. By that point, I had lost my kids. Now I have one that is working on transitioning down to live with me permanently and I would do anything and everything to make sure that he has all the help and support that I never got. To this day, the so-called mom, says that if I took things in a certain way that wasn’t on her. I figured her out a long time ago and if it hadn’t been for my sisters and brother would probably have never thought about her again. I learned the hard way that narcissists are people that don’t deserve a spot in my life.  Not to mention the fact that I am so sensitive to peoples emotions that they just drained everything in me. It would take me a week to recover myself again. But over and over again, she would ask for help like an infant about things in life that she should have already learned by then. I always came to the rescue, assisting her in things that should have been done by her. Granted I wasn’t the only one in my family that gave in to her. But I have been one of two siblings that have stood up to her and wouldn’t back down. The rest make excuses for her and cater to her every desire. All the while she turns around and says they aren’t doing this or that or leaving her very little to survive on when if she hadn’t blown her check in 4 days flat, she would have been able to take care of herself. Forget the fact that they are paying for a hotel room, all her food, bought her a truck, moved her to Tennessee because she wanted to go (not all did but went anyway) and are taking care of every other little need she might have, it still isn’t good enough and they are just so mean to her. She’s barely surviving. Lord, if only I could survive like that. I would be the most grateful person you had ever met. But no, I earn and work hard for all I have. I wouldn’t have it any other way. This way no one can say “well, I bought this for you or I paid for that”. Never again. I have lost everything more than once and had to start from scratch. It’s made me thankful for all that I do have and gave me the generous heart to open my home to people when they have nothing else. Until Nell, I can honestly say that I have never in my life met anyone as privileged as her. You would think she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and everything in life has been handed to her on a silver platter. When I told her about my writing, her biggest fear was that I would make her out to be this horrible person. Which is why it was so hard to write while she lived with me. I was terrified of upsetting her. Not sure why, but I felt like a little girl and didn’t want her mad at me. Now, all bets are off. I am proud of the fact that I owned up to my family on my issues. I didn’t back down or try to blame everyone else for what I myself did. Nor did I try and lie and keep it from them. Now, I am the worst human being on the earth to her and I am trying to ruin her life, all because I came clean and refused to lie to my sisters. In the process of talking to one sister, I found out some of the stuff that she had been saying about me behind my back to the others. That along with the fact that everyone else that was going to help her deserved to be paid, but I was expected to do it all without question, had me feeling like I was less than dirt. And I reacted. What cornered, hurt, terrified being wouldn’t. I regret acting so rashly, but I do not regret my sisters knowing the truth. She looked down and degraded my one sister’s fiance for using drugs, yet she was using herself. I admitted that I used and that I had stopped when it came to getting my son. I would do anything for him and his sisters. Including giving up my own life. I would never dream of hurting them the way that she has me in the last two weeks. I would never deliberately do something that would potentially harm my niece or sisters and brother for life. Yet she aimed directly at him without a care in the world. That’s about the same as it would be for me to get a hold of my sister’s soon to be ex-husband who is a CSC felon and not supposed to be around children exactly where they were so he could go get his daughter. But I know that I am better than that, that I have better morals. Nope, instead, she went after my 15-year-old son (who is exactly like his mom) and threatened his well being. With that, all bets are off. Now your gonna see a raging tiger protecting her cub with everything she has. Never again will I allow this woman to hurt me or mine. I will do everything the right way, and karma has always been a very good friend of mine. I have never had to “plot” revenge, she has always given those who deserve it what they needed. I have a feeling my life is now going to get a whole lot calmer and hers is going to get even harder for her. Especially now that my siblings know exactly what she did and what her actions caused. All I can say is that I am glad she is out of my life forever and that I know that I am in the right due to the peace in my heart at this moment. Never mess with a MOTHER’S children.

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All Alone in a Houseful of People?????

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Have you ever felt like an outsider in your own home? That’s the way I feel right now. So completely lost and torn. This is a rough relapse. I haven’t been this depressed in years now. I have never wanted to end my pain as badly as I have lately. The only thing keeping me going is my kids. I see so much of myself in my son that it scares the living daylights out of me. How can I abandon him? I know it would have been easier for me if I had had someone around that could understand the way our brains work. It’s not my fault I can’t stop the noise that is constantly running around in there. I can hold it off for so long, but once it’s free there is no stopping it. No meds, counseling, nothing besides staying busy helps anymore. Worst part, no one understands why I do the things I do. Why I don’t let people close to me anymore. I’ve been hurt so much in my life by people that I naturally have a 100 ft wall around me.  One person has destroyed me twice now. The first time was obvious, the second not as much. I lost myself somewhere along the way of trying to make him happy. And just as I was starting to find myself again, my whole life caved in again. Then to make it worse, the ones I trusted most said they didn’t like what I was becoming while I was trying to make him happy. Now the destruction is obvious. I became a shell of a person floating along in life. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I put so much stock in “family” just to have them hold the knife that stabbed me. I know I am strong enough to keep going for my children and grandchild. They are my one bright spot in life. My only question now is how do you tell the one person in your life that you thought would always have your back, that they hurt you the worst????

Think Before Destroying Someone

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Seems to be the theme of the week for most people around me. I have seen others hurt the ones they love most by not thinking before they opened their mouths. I have also been on the receiving end of words that hurt me deeper then I thought possible this week. I have learned over time to try and think before I say things I know that I will regret. I learned that when I am hurt or angry I tend to say the things that I know are gonna hurt that person the most. I want them to feel like me, hurt as bad as I do. There is however no excuse, no matter how angry we are, to say anything that could damage someone’s self-esteem,self-worth, or even their pride. For those of us that have almost no control over what seems like a broken record playing in our heads of all the bad things that people have said or even our own self-defeating thoughts, it can be the most damaging thing ever. Those words never truly leave us. I have always said that I preferred the physical abuse to words. Bruises heal, my mind never forgets the hurtful words someone said to me.  That are then replayed over and over on a never ending cycle of self-hating thoughts in my head. So before you destroy someone, try and think of what you are about to say before its too late to fix what you broke.

Start of a New Road in Life

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So after 40 years of many roadblocks and speed bumps in life, I’m gonna try something different. I’ve always wanted to be a writer but never had the time nor energy to try and pursue it. Now I think its time for me to do what I have always wanted to. And not really worry about those who criticize me anymore. Time for a new Start!!!! A whole new me has emerged. It’s been a rough transition and I almost didn’t make it through, but watch me spread my wings and fly! I actually feel stronger and able to take on life’s curve balls without striking out. This time is different then any other time I thought I was on the right track. I have never in my life actually felt at peace with life. I have always stressed over every little thing, worried that I was disappointing everyone, or self-beaten myself on things that I thought should have gone different. I can honestly say that I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up over the smallest screw up, telling myself that I am worthless. I am still learning to override my head when it comes to all the negative things that tend to repeat on a never ending loop, but I have gotten a whole lot better at doing it. It may have taken years but I am finally on my way to being in remission with my borderline disorder. I am even doing it without medication. I am one of the unlucky people whose body processes medicine in the lightning fast lane. Which meant that I had to up doses almost weekly when I was taking medicine. At one point, I was on 15 pills morning and night, and roughly 6 through out the day. I was a walking zombie at that point because the doses were so high. Granted I felt nothing because of it, so my emotions were controlled. I hated feeling like that, watching my life like I was watching a movie. I was numb to everything going on around me. I vowed to myself to never let that happen again. I have slowly over the years and many failures, learned how to control my head when it starts going into overdrive and my emotions when they start running wild. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my melt downs and blow ups. They just aren’t as violent as they used to be. I know that occasionally I feel the black out rage and overwhelming depression threaten to take over (and sometimes it does take over) but nothing like it used to nor as often. I am a work in progress and if you had met me 15 years ago, you wouldn’t recognize me now!!!!