Start of a New Road in Life

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So after 40 years of many roadblocks and speed bumps in life, I’m gonna try something different. I’ve always wanted to be a writer but never had the time nor energy to try and pursue it. Now I think its time for me to do what I have always wanted to. And not really worry about those who criticize me anymore. Time for a new Start!!!! A whole new me has emerged. It’s been a rough transition and I almost didn’t make it through, but watch me spread my wings and fly! I actually feel stronger and able to take on life’s curve balls without striking out. This time is different then any other time I thought I was on the right track. I have never in my life actually felt at peace with life. I have always stressed over every little thing, worried that I was disappointing everyone, or self-beaten myself on things that I thought should have gone different. I can honestly say that I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up over the smallest screw up, telling myself that I am worthless. I am still learning to override my head when it comes to all the negative things that tend to repeat on a never ending loop, but I have gotten a whole lot better at doing it. It may have taken years but I am finally on my way to being in remission with my borderline disorder. I am even doing it without medication. I am one of the unlucky people whose body processes medicine in the lightning fast lane. Which meant that I had to up doses almost weekly when I was taking medicine. At one point, I was on 15 pills morning and night, and roughly 6 through out the day. I was a walking zombie at that point because the doses were so high. Granted I felt nothing because of it, so my emotions were controlled. I hated feeling like that, watching my life like I was watching a movie. I was numb to everything going on around me. I vowed to myself to never let that happen again. I have slowly over the years and many failures, learned how to control my head when it starts going into overdrive and my emotions when they start running wild. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my melt downs and blow ups. They just aren’t as violent as they used to be. I know that occasionally I feel the black out rage and overwhelming depression threaten to take over (and sometimes it does take over) but nothing like it used to nor as often. I am a work in progress and if you had met me 15 years ago, you wouldn’t recognize me now!!!!

 

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There are so many things in life that I wish I could go back and change. Things that I screwed up to the point I don’t know if I can try and fix it now. My biggest regret in life is, in doing what I thought was best for my children’s best chance at a normal life, I may have hurt them more than I ever thought possible. I never wanted my kids to have to deal with any of the issues that I do. I wanted them to be ok. In trying to protect them, I may have caused all the issues I tried to keep them from. Most of my childhood is a blur to me. Especially in early years. I’m not sure what the first trauma was that may have sparked my borderline personality. Whether it was when I was 6 months with a broken rib taken from my bio mom, or when I was 2 and my bio father gave me up to the family that adopted me. My children went thru hell when they were under the age of 7. I was diagnosed after I had all 5 of my kids. I was 24, a single mom of 4 by that point, and dealing with a divorce(the state actually was involved in that due to domestic violence), having a full-time job ( then not having one), and trying to be a kid myself. A very explosive combination. I am good at putting off stress for so long, but when I get to the point I can’t anymore, I lose it like Alice in Wonderland. I blow up at stupid things that normally wouldn’t make me mad, start drinking like a fish, go to the bar every night, spend money I didn’t have to try and make myself feel better. When my issues finally came to the surface and I was diagnosed (after a suicide attempt due to a bad reaction to medication), I was in a mental hospital. That’s the first time I had ever heard of Borderline Personality disorder. I knew about my depression and anxiety but that’s all I thought I had. Borderline, once I did my research on it, explained a lot about why I was the way I was. Which started a very long and bumpy journey of figuring myself out. I will admit, I’ve come a long way from where I was 20 years ago. Thankfully, a much calmer and less drugged version now. Now, I am on the long road of trying to figure out how to fix the damage I’ve done to my children.

TO BE CONTINUED…….