Hardest thing to try and do!!!!
It is still amazing to me how one minute my world has ended and the next I am on top of the world and everything in it. How is a person supposed to be able to handle the ups and downs of being this way. At this moment, I feel like I can handle anything and everything. I am invincible. Now later today one little thing may send my whole world into chaos and lord knows its probably gonna be something as retarded as not being able to eat chocolate when I want it. Back on meds and back in therapy, and thankfully someone who will stand with me as I do it. Granted that same person is also the one person who with one look that may not have anything to do with me can send me into tears, but he will be there. He does his best to keep up with my moods and he does know me better then anyone in this world. I have been trying to learn how to lean on him since most of my life I have been on my own. I am no good at expressing feelings (unless of course they are the destructive anger and hurt) or being loving like you should in a relationship. I have always been distant from everyone and not very affectionate. I don’t know if that’s a result of my childhood, my parents while loving weren’t very affectionate with us kids or themselves. I know that even though I am adopted I am a lot like my dad. Standoffish, quiet (unless I am drunk), and a loner. I have always had to have my alone time, away from people. For some reason people and their emotions drain me. I am not the most social person and never have been. I prefer animals to people most days and can talk to them easier then I do people. Maybe that is because I don’t have to pretend to be something I am not with them. They accept me for who and what I am and know when I need comfort. I’ve always been closer to animals then people my whole life. I grew up with them, showed horses from the time I was 4. They were always my best friends growing up.
So how do I deal with the whiplash I seem to be getting from the either extreme lows (almost suicidal) to the highs (I feel I can conquer anything). My neck is starting to hurt from it.
I have never thought of myself as someone who could be happy. Then for one month of my life I was the happiest I can honestly say I have been in my life. Leave it to me. I have lost the love of my life. And rightfully so. One stupid decision, and I messed up everything I have worked so hard for. It’s taking everything in me to not spiral down into what I once was at one point in time. All I want to do is make all these emotions go away. All the self-hatred, pain, the extreme emptiness. There are only two ways I can think of to do that. Neither one is a route I think anyone really wants to travel. But I am not seeing much of a choice anymore. Despite being around family, I feel so alone and lost. I am in a mess of my own making and there is no way out this time. This will probably be the last post for a bit. I am gonna go check myself into a hospital for a bit. I have unraveled to the point I have physically and mentally damaged myself to the point I am scared. I have managed to mess up my life so bad at the moment that I don’t know if I will ever get back to what I thought was happy. I must have pushed everything down so far that it seemed that I had finally gotten past it all. But we all know that life makes liars out of us and boy did it make me one. How do you move on from something that you can’t even be sure your holding on to? How do I let go of the fear of being left again by the one person I should trust with everything in me.
Where do I even begin. This past year has been the worst roller coaster ride ever. There have been some good times and a whole lot of bad times. Somehow I have managed to survive. Don’t ask me how, at this point I am still suprised I have. There have been many times that I seriously debated ending everything, but I managed to overcome those urges and keep on going. I’ve lost so many things this past year; my house, some of my family, friends, things I owned. But it has brought me to probably the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am free of my fears of being abandon, of being alone, of bein worthless. I am in a position at work where I feel I am able to excel and use my considerably bored brain and learn new things. The only thing besides starting completely over from scratch again, is of course my health. Never in a million years did I think that the worst health problem I would have would be being able to walk. I love my job that I have now and I’ll be damned if my job isn’t 95% walking. I am doing everything in my power to keep my positive outlook on life right now, but I have to admit it’s hard as hell. My only positive in this at the moment is this new computer my fiance bought me (mulitiple uses at this point) is allowing me the ability to do this. I haven’t had a way to right nor the will to do a whole lot lately. Things got pretty dark for a while for me. Tom was worried that I wasn’t gonna make it through this for a while. He was so worried and had no clue what to do to help. But I made a decision one morning, and I haven’t looked back. I woke up one monday morning and decided I was gonna be happy no matter what life threw at me. There have been times I would have sworn that life hated me. I have always tried to do right. But with everything I have been through, who wouldn’t have that outlook. I have made myself a promise to do this, as I have found it really does help when I get everything out. And since talking isn’t one of my virtues, writing it down is way easier. So how better to get out what’s on my mind then write it all down. Maybe someone will have an idea that will be the light at the end of the tunnel for me.
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So this whole last week has been probably the most disheartening week ever. I have lost family now due to money and selfishness, I was let down by the one person I thought would always have my back, and am now looking at life as a single person.
I turned into a nervous wreck this past year trying to be what one person wanted me to be. And thanks to my lovely repeating mind, all the things they said I wasn’t replay in my head over and over. Which was added to all the other self-criticisms I had replaying on that never ending loop. It didn’t even have to be somethin, but they flat out said they didn’t like about me. It was the more subtle ways, “I liked what you did, but I would have prefered this”, or “I would never have done it that way” that hurt the most. Or being told that I didn’t think about things in the right way, or that I was wrong for thinking that. That my brain didn’t work like normal peoples. Sadly, I knew my brain didn’t run quite like most peoples, but I never thought of it as a bad thing. That is what made me unique among people. I had my own ways of thinking about life, and I never thought that it was a issue. I have code of conduct that I follow despite the world trying to impose its way on me. I will never be a selfish individual, that was never programmed in me from the get go, and I live by the “what you put out in life is what you get back” rule of thumb. I have made a lot of mistakes in life, I am the first to admit that, but even having paid for those dearly, I know that I deserve to be able to think the way that I want to. Just because I don’t fit what the world says should be normal doesn’t mean my way is wrong. Nor is it the only way.
I have had to deal with a lot of selfish people this last week. Both family and not. But the one that hurt the most came from my adopted mom. To be told that the way I took her criticisms growing up, even after knowing the mental issues I have, she said that it was all on me. Now I have known for a long time that she was a narcissist from the day that she stood up at my daddy’s funeral in front of everyone, drugged stupid on who knows what, and said “Well you all know that he had mental issues”. I wanted to shout :and we all know that mental issue was you”. But I comforted my kids instead since they were all old enough to understand that and had an extremely close relationship with him. They to this day still have issues with their grandma and know that she is the type of person where everything has to be about her and that she would have no problem dropping you like a bad habit if it didn’t benefit her in some way shape or form. To me that is something so foreign I wouldn’t know where to begin. I have and will continue to put everyone else before me. That is just the way that I am and I have always been proud of that part of me. I have helped people that would never have batted an eye to leave me stranded with nothing and I won’t ever stop being that person. However I will say, despite giving chance after chance, and being repeatedly hurt, I can and have cut people out of my life without a backward glance. Everyone has a line they won’t cross and for me that is being a hypocrite. Don’t judge someone or say hurtful things behind their back if your guilty of the same thing. Don’t tell someone they can’t do or say something when you do it yourself all the time.
At this point in my life, with all the disappointments I have had from “family”, I am about to the point of starting over with new ones and getting rid of the old.