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Family???

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So this whole last week has been probably the most disheartening week ever. I have lost family now due to money and selfishness, I was let down by the one person I thought would always have my back, and am now looking at life as a single person.

I turned into a nervous wreck this past year trying to be what one person wanted me to be. And thanks to my lovely repeating mind, all the things they said I wasn’t replay in my head over and over. Which was added to all the other self-criticisms I had replaying on that never ending loop. It didn’t even have to be somethin, but they flat out said they didn’t like about me. It was the more subtle ways, “I liked what you did, but I would have prefered this”, or “I would never have done it that way” that hurt the most. Or being told that I didn’t think about things in the right way, or that I was wrong for thinking that. That my brain didn’t work like normal peoples. Sadly, I knew my brain didn’t run quite like most peoples, but I never thought of it as a bad thing. That is what made me unique among people. I had my own ways of thinking about life, and I never thought that it was a issue. I have code of conduct that I follow despite the world trying to impose its way on me. I will never be a selfish individual, that was never programmed in me from the get go, and I live by the “what you put out in life is what you get back” rule of thumb. I have made a lot of mistakes in life, I am the first to admit that, but even having paid for those dearly, I know that I deserve to be able to think the way that I want to. Just because I don’t fit what the world says should be normal doesn’t mean my way is wrong. Nor is it the only way.

I have had to deal with a lot of selfish people this last week. Both family and not. But the one that hurt the most came from my adopted mom. To be told that the way I took her criticisms growing up, even after knowing the mental issues I have, she said that it was all on me. Now I have known for a long time that she was a narcissist from the day that she stood up at my daddy’s funeral in front of everyone, drugged stupid on who knows what, and said “Well you all know that he had mental issues”. I wanted to shout :and we all know that mental issue was you”. But I comforted my kids instead since they were all old enough to understand that and had an extremely close relationship with him. They to this day still have issues with their grandma and know that she is the type of person where everything has to be about her and that she would have no problem dropping you like a bad habit if it didn’t benefit her in some way shape or form. To me that is something so foreign I wouldn’t know where to begin. I have and will continue to put everyone else before me. That is just the way that I am and I have always been proud of that part of me. I have helped people that would never have batted an eye to leave me stranded with nothing and I won’t ever stop being that person. However I will say, despite giving chance after chance, and being repeatedly hurt, I can and have cut people out of my life without a backward glance. Everyone has a line they won’t cross and for me that is being a hypocrite. Don’t judge someone or say hurtful things behind their back if your guilty of the same thing. Don’t tell someone they can’t do or say something when you do it yourself all the time.

At this point in my life, with all the disappointments I have had from “family”, I am about to the point of starting over with new ones and getting rid of the old.

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There are so many things in life that I wish I could go back and change. Things that I screwed up to the point I don’t know if I can try and fix it now. My biggest regret in life is, in doing what I thought was best for my children’s best chance at a normal life, I may have hurt them more than I ever thought possible. I never wanted my kids to have to deal with any of the issues that I do. I wanted them to be ok. In trying to protect them, I may have caused all the issues I tried to keep them from. Most of my childhood is a blur to me. Especially in early years. I’m not sure what the first trauma was that may have sparked my borderline personality. Whether it was when I was 6 months with a broken rib taken from my bio mom, or when I was 2 and my bio father gave me up to the family that adopted me. My children went thru hell when they were under the age of 7. I was diagnosed after I had all 5 of my kids. I was 24, a single mom of 4 by that point, and dealing with a divorce(the state actually was involved in that due to domestic violence), having a full-time job ( then not having one), and trying to be a kid myself. A very explosive combination. I am good at putting off stress for so long, but when I get to the point I can’t anymore, I lose it like Alice in Wonderland. I blow up at stupid things that normally wouldn’t make me mad, start drinking like a fish, go to the bar every night, spend money I didn’t have to try and make myself feel better. When my issues finally came to the surface and I was diagnosed (after a suicide attempt due to a bad reaction to medication), I was in a mental hospital. That’s the first time I had ever heard of Borderline Personality disorder. I knew about my depression and anxiety but that’s all I thought I had. Borderline, once I did my research on it, explained a lot about why I was the way I was. Which started a very long and bumpy journey of figuring myself out. I will admit, I’ve come a long way from where I was 20 years ago. Thankfully, a much calmer and less drugged version now. Now, I am on the long road of trying to figure out how to fix the damage I’ve done to my children.

TO BE CONTINUED…….