So this whole last week has been probably the most disheartening week ever. I have lost family now due to money and selfishness, I was let down by the one person I thought would always have my back, and am now looking at life as a single person.
I turned into a nervous wreck this past year trying to be what one person wanted me to be. And thanks to my lovely repeating mind, all the things they said I wasn’t replay in my head over and over. Which was added to all the other self-criticisms I had replaying on that never ending loop. It didn’t even have to be somethin, but they flat out said they didn’t like about me. It was the more subtle ways, “I liked what you did, but I would have prefered this”, or “I would never have done it that way” that hurt the most. Or being told that I didn’t think about things in the right way, or that I was wrong for thinking that. That my brain didn’t work like normal peoples. Sadly, I knew my brain didn’t run quite like most peoples, but I never thought of it as a bad thing. That is what made me unique among people. I had my own ways of thinking about life, and I never thought that it was a issue. I have code of conduct that I follow despite the world trying to impose its way on me. I will never be a selfish individual, that was never programmed in me from the get go, and I live by the “what you put out in life is what you get back” rule of thumb. I have made a lot of mistakes in life, I am the first to admit that, but even having paid for those dearly, I know that I deserve to be able to think the way that I want to. Just because I don’t fit what the world says should be normal doesn’t mean my way is wrong. Nor is it the only way.
I have had to deal with a lot of selfish people this last week. Both family and not. But the one that hurt the most came from my adopted mom. To be told that the way I took her criticisms growing up, even after knowing the mental issues I have, she said that it was all on me. Now I have known for a long time that she was a narcissist from the day that she stood up at my daddy’s funeral in front of everyone, drugged stupid on who knows what, and said “Well you all know that he had mental issues”. I wanted to shout :and we all know that mental issue was you”. But I comforted my kids instead since they were all old enough to understand that and had an extremely close relationship with him. They to this day still have issues with their grandma and know that she is the type of person where everything has to be about her and that she would have no problem dropping you like a bad habit if it didn’t benefit her in some way shape or form. To me that is something so foreign I wouldn’t know where to begin. I have and will continue to put everyone else before me. That is just the way that I am and I have always been proud of that part of me. I have helped people that would never have batted an eye to leave me stranded with nothing and I won’t ever stop being that person. However I will say, despite giving chance after chance, and being repeatedly hurt, I can and have cut people out of my life without a backward glance. Everyone has a line they won’t cross and for me that is being a hypocrite. Don’t judge someone or say hurtful things behind their back if your guilty of the same thing. Don’t tell someone they can’t do or say something when you do it yourself all the time.
At this point in my life, with all the disappointments I have had from “family”, I am about to the point of starting over with new ones and getting rid of the old.
Have you ever felt like an outsider in your own home? That’s the way I feel right now. So completely lost and torn. This is a rough relapse. I haven’t been this depressed in years now. I have never wanted to end my pain as badly as I have lately. The only thing keeping me going is my kids. I see so much of myself in my son that it scares the living daylights out of me. How can I abandon him? I know it would have been easier for me if I had had someone around that could understand the way our brains work. It’s not my fault I can’t stop the noise that is constantly running around in there. I can hold it off for so long, but once it’s free there is no stopping it. No meds, counseling, nothing besides staying busy helps anymore. Worst part, no one understands why I do the things I do. Why I don’t let people close to me anymore. I’ve been hurt so much in my life by people that I naturally have a 100 ft wall around me. One person has destroyed me twice now. The first time was obvious, the second not as much. I lost myself somewhere along the way of trying to make him happy. And just as I was starting to find myself again, my whole life caved in again. Then to make it worse, the ones I trusted most said they didn’t like what I was becoming while I was trying to make him happy. Now the destruction is obvious. I became a shell of a person floating along in life. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I put so much stock in “family” just to have them hold the knife that stabbed me. I know I am strong enough to keep going for my children and grandchild. They are my one bright spot in life. My only question now is how do you tell the one person in your life that you thought would always have your back, that they hurt you the worst????
Seems to be the theme of the week for most people around me. I have seen others hurt the ones they love most by not thinking before they opened their mouths. I have also been on the receiving end of words that hurt me deeper then I thought possible this week. I have learned over time to try and think before I say things I know that I will regret. I learned that when I am hurt or angry I tend to say the things that I know are gonna hurt that person the most. I want them to feel like me, hurt as bad as I do. There is however no excuse, no matter how angry we are, to say anything that could damage someone’s self-esteem,self-worth, or even their pride. For those of us that have almost no control over what seems like a broken record playing in our heads of all the bad things that people have said or even our own self-defeating thoughts, it can be the most damaging thing ever. Those words never truly leave us. I have always said that I preferred the physical abuse to words. Bruises heal, my mind never forgets the hurtful words someone said to me. That are then replayed over and over on a never ending cycle of self-hating thoughts in my head. So before you destroy someone, try and think of what you are about to say before its too late to fix what you broke.
So after 40 years of many roadblocks and speed bumps in life, I’m gonna try something different. I’ve always wanted to be a writer but never had the time nor energy to try and pursue it. Now I think its time for me to do what I have always wanted to. And not really worry about those who criticize me anymore. Time for a new Start!!!! A whole new me has emerged. It’s been a rough transition and I almost didn’t make it through, but watch me spread my wings and fly! I actually feel stronger and able to take on life’s curve balls without striking out. This time is different then any other time I thought I was on the right track. I have never in my life actually felt at peace with life. I have always stressed over every little thing, worried that I was disappointing everyone, or self-beaten myself on things that I thought should have gone different. I can honestly say that I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up over the smallest screw up, telling myself that I am worthless. I am still learning to override my head when it comes to all the negative things that tend to repeat on a never ending loop, but I have gotten a whole lot better at doing it. It may have taken years but I am finally on my way to being in remission with my borderline disorder. I am even doing it without medication. I am one of the unlucky people whose body processes medicine in the lightning fast lane. Which meant that I had to up doses almost weekly when I was taking medicine. At one point, I was on 15 pills morning and night, and roughly 6 through out the day. I was a walking zombie at that point because the doses were so high. Granted I felt nothing because of it, so my emotions were controlled. I hated feeling like that, watching my life like I was watching a movie. I was numb to everything going on around me. I vowed to myself to never let that happen again. I have slowly over the years and many failures, learned how to control my head when it starts going into overdrive and my emotions when they start running wild. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my melt downs and blow ups. They just aren’t as violent as they used to be. I know that occasionally I feel the black out rage and overwhelming depression threaten to take over (and sometimes it does take over) but nothing like it used to nor as often. I am a work in progress and if you had met me 15 years ago, you wouldn’t recognize me now!!!!