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And they call me crazy!!!!

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So this week has been the most trying and rough week I have had in a long time. All thanks to the wonderful thing we call family. I am still trying to figure out how people are able to justify someone’s actions that are horrendous in all accounts as ok because “that’s just mom”? How is it ok to tear someone down and blame them for all these things when in reality your the one who did them or is doing them? How can someone deliberately put their own child, someone they claim to love with their whole heart, out as the scapegoat for everything even when they did nothing wrong. I am so sickened by the fact that this was all done over “money”. Something I never honestly believed I would get to begin with based on past experiences with this woman and her greed.

I know I am wrong for some of the things that I did out of anger and hurt. But never in a million years would I have brought an innocent child into something so petty. And for a 60-year-old retired woman, who worked with Social Services most of her life, and adopted 6 children, you would think that she would know better. But no, she is trying to ruin a 15-year-olds life just as he is getting it together and starting to understand himself what it is like to have borderline personality disorder. I have never understood why people always put on airs when they clearly were fake and why people flocked to them. Growing up in school, all the kids in my grade and my age group-ish, flocked to the woman who claims to be my mom. I couldn’t understand why when she clearly was nice to their face and then as soon as they walked away stabbed them in the back to everyone else. And everyone else just went with it. No one believed me when I said she was evil incarnate and I couldn’t wait to leave her house. She was controlling to the point I had no friends growing up. I wasn’t allowed to do the things my cousins (who were the same age) were, hang out by a fire partying or anything. Once I got my drivers license and my own money it got a little better. Still, even when I graduated and had a factory job, I had a curfew that most kids had at 16. I was 18/19. I was so sheltered that when I met my first husband, I had no warning on what life really was. But 5 kids later, I figured it out eventually. Granted that was after DHS, courts, divorce, numerous physical assaults, mental abuse,2 suicide attempts,  and the first I had ever heard of borderline personality disorder. By that point, I had lost my kids. Now I have one that is working on transitioning down to live with me permanently and I would do anything and everything to make sure that he has all the help and support that I never got. To this day, the so-called mom, says that if I took things in a certain way that wasn’t on her. I figured her out a long time ago and if it hadn’t been for my sisters and brother would probably have never thought about her again. I learned the hard way that narcissists are people that don’t deserve a spot in my life.  Not to mention the fact that I am so sensitive to peoples emotions that they just drained everything in me. It would take me a week to recover myself again. But over and over again, she would ask for help like an infant about things in life that she should have already learned by then. I always came to the rescue, assisting her in things that should have been done by her. Granted I wasn’t the only one in my family that gave in to her. But I have been one of two siblings that have stood up to her and wouldn’t back down. The rest make excuses for her and cater to her every desire. All the while she turns around and says they aren’t doing this or that or leaving her very little to survive on when if she hadn’t blown her check in 4 days flat, she would have been able to take care of herself. Forget the fact that they are paying for a hotel room, all her food, bought her a truck, moved her to Tennessee because she wanted to go (not all did but went anyway) and are taking care of every other little need she might have, it still isn’t good enough and they are just so mean to her. She’s barely surviving. Lord, if only I could survive like that. I would be the most grateful person you had ever met. But no, I earn and work hard for all I have. I wouldn’t have it any other way. This way no one can say “well, I bought this for you or I paid for that”. Never again. I have lost everything more than once and had to start from scratch. It’s made me thankful for all that I do have and gave me the generous heart to open my home to people when they have nothing else. Until Nell, I can honestly say that I have never in my life met anyone as privileged as her. You would think she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and everything in life has been handed to her on a silver platter. When I told her about my writing, her biggest fear was that I would make her out to be this horrible person. Which is why it was so hard to write while she lived with me. I was terrified of upsetting her. Not sure why, but I felt like a little girl and didn’t want her mad at me. Now, all bets are off. I am proud of the fact that I owned up to my family on my issues. I didn’t back down or try to blame everyone else for what I myself did. Nor did I try and lie and keep it from them. Now, I am the worst human being on the earth to her and I am trying to ruin her life, all because I came clean and refused to lie to my sisters. In the process of talking to one sister, I found out some of the stuff that she had been saying about me behind my back to the others. That along with the fact that everyone else that was going to help her deserved to be paid, but I was expected to do it all without question, had me feeling like I was less than dirt. And I reacted. What cornered, hurt, terrified being wouldn’t. I regret acting so rashly, but I do not regret my sisters knowing the truth. She looked down and degraded my one sister’s fiance for using drugs, yet she was using herself. I admitted that I used and that I had stopped when it came to getting my son. I would do anything for him and his sisters. Including giving up my own life. I would never dream of hurting them the way that she has me in the last two weeks. I would never deliberately do something that would potentially harm my niece or sisters and brother for life. Yet she aimed directly at him without a care in the world. That’s about the same as it would be for me to get a hold of my sister’s soon to be ex-husband who is a CSC felon and not supposed to be around children exactly where they were so he could go get his daughter. But I know that I am better than that, that I have better morals. Nope, instead, she went after my 15-year-old son (who is exactly like his mom) and threatened his well being. With that, all bets are off. Now your gonna see a raging tiger protecting her cub with everything she has. Never again will I allow this woman to hurt me or mine. I will do everything the right way, and karma has always been a very good friend of mine. I have never had to “plot” revenge, she has always given those who deserve it what they needed. I have a feeling my life is now going to get a whole lot calmer and hers is going to get even harder for her. Especially now that my siblings know exactly what she did and what her actions caused. All I can say is that I am glad she is out of my life forever and that I know that I am in the right due to the peace in my heart at this moment. Never mess with a MOTHER’S children.

Family???

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So this whole last week has been probably the most disheartening week ever. I have lost family now due to money and selfishness, I was let down by the one person I thought would always have my back, and am now looking at life as a single person.

I turned into a nervous wreck this past year trying to be what one person wanted me to be. And thanks to my lovely repeating mind, all the things they said I wasn’t replay in my head over and over. Which was added to all the other self-criticisms I had replaying on that never ending loop. It didn’t even have to be somethin, but they flat out said they didn’t like about me. It was the more subtle ways, “I liked what you did, but I would have prefered this”, or “I would never have done it that way” that hurt the most. Or being told that I didn’t think about things in the right way, or that I was wrong for thinking that. That my brain didn’t work like normal peoples. Sadly, I knew my brain didn’t run quite like most peoples, but I never thought of it as a bad thing. That is what made me unique among people. I had my own ways of thinking about life, and I never thought that it was a issue. I have code of conduct that I follow despite the world trying to impose its way on me. I will never be a selfish individual, that was never programmed in me from the get go, and I live by the “what you put out in life is what you get back” rule of thumb. I have made a lot of mistakes in life, I am the first to admit that, but even having paid for those dearly, I know that I deserve to be able to think the way that I want to. Just because I don’t fit what the world says should be normal doesn’t mean my way is wrong. Nor is it the only way.

I have had to deal with a lot of selfish people this last week. Both family and not. But the one that hurt the most came from my adopted mom. To be told that the way I took her criticisms growing up, even after knowing the mental issues I have, she said that it was all on me. Now I have known for a long time that she was a narcissist from the day that she stood up at my daddy’s funeral in front of everyone, drugged stupid on who knows what, and said “Well you all know that he had mental issues”. I wanted to shout :and we all know that mental issue was you”. But I comforted my kids instead since they were all old enough to understand that and had an extremely close relationship with him. They to this day still have issues with their grandma and know that she is the type of person where everything has to be about her and that she would have no problem dropping you like a bad habit if it didn’t benefit her in some way shape or form. To me that is something so foreign I wouldn’t know where to begin. I have and will continue to put everyone else before me. That is just the way that I am and I have always been proud of that part of me. I have helped people that would never have batted an eye to leave me stranded with nothing and I won’t ever stop being that person. However I will say, despite giving chance after chance, and being repeatedly hurt, I can and have cut people out of my life without a backward glance. Everyone has a line they won’t cross and for me that is being a hypocrite. Don’t judge someone or say hurtful things behind their back if your guilty of the same thing. Don’t tell someone they can’t do or say something when you do it yourself all the time.

At this point in my life, with all the disappointments I have had from “family”, I am about to the point of starting over with new ones and getting rid of the old.

All Alone in a Houseful of People?????

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Have you ever felt like an outsider in your own home? That’s the way I feel right now. So completely lost and torn. This is a rough relapse. I haven’t been this depressed in years now. I have never wanted to end my pain as badly as I have lately. The only thing keeping me going is my kids. I see so much of myself in my son that it scares the living daylights out of me. How can I abandon him? I know it would have been easier for me if I had had someone around that could understand the way our brains work. It’s not my fault I can’t stop the noise that is constantly running around in there. I can hold it off for so long, but once it’s free there is no stopping it. No meds, counseling, nothing besides staying busy helps anymore. Worst part, no one understands why I do the things I do. Why I don’t let people close to me anymore. I’ve been hurt so much in my life by people that I naturally have a 100 ft wall around me.  One person has destroyed me twice now. The first time was obvious, the second not as much. I lost myself somewhere along the way of trying to make him happy. And just as I was starting to find myself again, my whole life caved in again. Then to make it worse, the ones I trusted most said they didn’t like what I was becoming while I was trying to make him happy. Now the destruction is obvious. I became a shell of a person floating along in life. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I put so much stock in “family” just to have them hold the knife that stabbed me. I know I am strong enough to keep going for my children and grandchild. They are my one bright spot in life. My only question now is how do you tell the one person in your life that you thought would always have your back, that they hurt you the worst????