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It is still amazing to me how one minute my world has ended and the next I am on top of the world and everything in it. How is a person supposed to be able to handle the ups and downs of being this way. At this moment, I feel like I can handle anything and everything. I am invincible. Now later today one little thing may send my whole world into chaos and lord knows its probably gonna be something as retarded as not being able to eat chocolate when I want it. Back on meds and back in therapy, and thankfully someone who will stand with me as I do it. Granted that same person is also the one person who with one look that may not have anything to do with me can send me into tears, but he will be there. He does his best to keep up with my moods and he does know me better then anyone in this world. I have been trying to learn how to lean on him since most of my life I have been on my own. I am no good at expressing feelings (unless of course they are the destructive anger and hurt) or being loving like you should in a relationship. I have always been distant from everyone and not very affectionate. I don’t know if that’s a result of my childhood, my parents while loving weren’t very affectionate with us kids or themselves. I know that even though I am adopted I am a lot like my dad. Standoffish, quiet (unless I am drunk), and a loner. I have always had to have my alone time, away from people. For some reason people and their emotions drain me. I am not the most social person and never have been. I prefer animals to people most days and can talk to them easier then I do people. Maybe that is because I don’t have to pretend to be something I am not with them. They accept me for who and what I am and know when I need comfort. I’ve always been closer to animals then people my whole life. I grew up with them, showed horses from the time I was 4. They were always my best friends growing up.

So how do I deal with the whiplash I seem to be getting from the either extreme lows (almost suicidal) to the highs (I feel I can conquer anything). My neck is starting to hurt from it.


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