I have never thought of myself as someone who could be happy. Then for one month of my life I was the happiest I can honestly say I have been in my life. Leave it to me. I have lost the love of my life. And rightfully so. One stupid decision, and I messed up everything I have worked so hard for. It’s taking everything in me to not spiral down into what I once was at one point in time. All I want to do is make all these emotions go away. All the self-hatred, pain, the extreme emptiness. There are only two ways I can think of to do that. Neither one is a route I think anyone really wants to travel. But I am not seeing much of a choice anymore. Despite being around family, I feel so alone and lost. I am in a mess of my own making and there is no way out this time. This will probably be the last post for a bit. I am gonna go check myself into a hospital for a bit. I have unraveled to the point I have physically and mentally damaged myself to the point I am scared. I have managed to mess up my life so bad at the moment that I don’t know if I will ever get back to what I thought was happy. I must have pushed everything down so far that it seemed that I had finally gotten past it all. But we all know that life makes liars out of us and boy did it make me one. How do you move on from something that you can’t even be sure your holding on to? How do I let go of the fear of being left again by the one person I should trust with everything in me.
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