All Alone in a Houseful of People?????

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Have you ever felt like an outsider in your own home? That’s the way I feel right now. So completely lost and torn. This is a rough relapse. I haven’t been this depressed in years now. I have never wanted to end my pain as badly as I have lately. The only thing keeping me going is my kids. I see so much of myself in my son that it scares the living daylights out of me. How can I abandon him? I know it would have been easier for me if I had had someone around that could understand the way our brains work. It’s not my fault I can’t stop the noise that is constantly running around in there. I can hold it off for so long, but once it’s free there is no stopping it. No meds, counseling, nothing besides staying busy helps anymore. Worst part, no one understands why I do the things I do. Why I don’t let people close to me anymore. I’ve been hurt so much in my life by people that I naturally have a 100 ft wall around me.  One person has destroyed me twice now. The first time was obvious, the second not as much. I lost myself somewhere along the way of trying to make him happy. And just as I was starting to find myself again, my whole life caved in again. Then to make it worse, the ones I trusted most said they didn’t like what I was becoming while I was trying to make him happy. Now the destruction is obvious. I became a shell of a person floating along in life. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I put so much stock in “family” just to have them hold the knife that stabbed me. I know I am strong enough to keep going for my children and grandchild. They are my one bright spot in life. My only question now is how do you tell the one person in your life that you thought would always have your back, that they hurt you the worst????


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