So after 40 years of many roadblocks and speed bumps in life, I’m gonna try something different. I’ve always wanted to be a writer but never had the time nor energy to try and pursue it. Now I think its time for me to do what I have always wanted to. And not really worry about those who criticize me anymore. Time for a new Start!!!! A whole new me has emerged. It’s been a rough transition and I almost didn’t make it through, but watch me spread my wings and fly! I actually feel stronger and able to take on life’s curve balls without striking out. This time is different then any other time I thought I was on the right track. I have never in my life actually felt at peace with life. I have always stressed over every little thing, worried that I was disappointing everyone, or self-beaten myself on things that I thought should have gone different. I can honestly say that I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up over the smallest screw up, telling myself that I am worthless. I am still learning to override my head when it comes to all the negative things that tend to repeat on a never ending loop, but I have gotten a whole lot better at doing it. It may have taken years but I am finally on my way to being in remission with my borderline disorder. I am even doing it without medication. I am one of the unlucky people whose body processes medicine in the lightning fast lane. Which meant that I had to up doses almost weekly when I was taking medicine. At one point, I was on 15 pills morning and night, and roughly 6 through out the day. I was a walking zombie at that point because the doses were so high. Granted I felt nothing because of it, so my emotions were controlled. I hated feeling like that, watching my life like I was watching a movie. I was numb to everything going on around me. I vowed to myself to never let that happen again. I have slowly over the years and many failures, learned how to control my head when it starts going into overdrive and my emotions when they start running wild. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my melt downs and blow ups. They just aren’t as violent as they used to be. I know that occasionally I feel the black out rage and overwhelming depression threaten to take over (and sometimes it does take over) but nothing like it used to nor as often. I am a work in progress and if you had met me 15 years ago, you wouldn’t recognize me now!!!!