There are so many things in life that I wish I could go back and change. Things that I screwed up to the point I don’t know if I can try and fix it now. My biggest regret in life is, in doing what I thought was best for my children’s best chance at a normal life, I may have hurt them more than I ever thought possible. I never wanted my kids to have to deal with any of the issues that I do. I wanted them to be ok. In trying to protect them, I may have caused all the issues I tried to keep them from. Most of my childhood is a blur to me. Especially in early years. I’m not sure what the first trauma was that may have sparked my borderline personality. Whether it was when I was 6 months with a broken rib taken from my bio mom, or when I was 2 and my bio father gave me up to the family that adopted me. My children went thru hell when they were under the age of 7. I was diagnosed after I had all 5 of my kids. I was 24, a single mom of 4 by that point, and dealing with a divorce(the state actually was involved in that due to domestic violence), having a full-time job ( then not having one), and trying to be a kid myself. A very explosive combination. I am good at putting off stress for so long, but when I get to the point I can’t anymore, I lose it like Alice in Wonderland. I blow up at stupid things that normally wouldn’t make me mad, start drinking like a fish, go to the bar every night, spend money I didn’t have to try and make myself feel better. When my issues finally came to the surface and I was diagnosed (after a suicide attempt due to a bad reaction to medication), I was in a mental hospital. That’s the first time I had ever heard of Borderline Personality disorder. I knew about my depression and anxiety but that’s all I thought I had. Borderline, once I did my research on it, explained a lot about why I was the way I was. Which started a very long and bumpy journey of figuring myself out. I will admit, I’ve come a long way from where I was 20 years ago. Thankfully, a much calmer and less drugged version now. Now, I am on the long road of trying to figure out how to fix the damage I’ve done to my children.
TO BE CONTINUED…….