Hardest thing to try and do!!!!
It is still amazing to me how one minute my world has ended and the next I am on top of the world and everything in it. How is a person supposed to be able to handle the ups and downs of being this way. At this moment, I feel like I can handle anything and everything. I am invincible. Now later today one little thing may send my whole world into chaos and lord knows its probably gonna be something as retarded as not being able to eat chocolate when I want it. Back on meds and back in therapy, and thankfully someone who will stand with me as I do it. Granted that same person is also the one person who with one look that may not have anything to do with me can send me into tears, but he will be there. He does his best to keep up with my moods and he does know me better then anyone in this world. I have been trying to learn how to lean on him since most of my life I have been on my own. I am no good at expressing feelings (unless of course they are the destructive anger and hurt) or being loving like you should in a relationship. I have always been distant from everyone and not very affectionate. I don’t know if that’s a result of my childhood, my parents while loving weren’t very affectionate with us kids or themselves. I know that even though I am adopted I am a lot like my dad. Standoffish, quiet (unless I am drunk), and a loner. I have always had to have my alone time, away from people. For some reason people and their emotions drain me. I am not the most social person and never have been. I prefer animals to people most days and can talk to them easier then I do people. Maybe that is because I don’t have to pretend to be something I am not with them. They accept me for who and what I am and know when I need comfort. I’ve always been closer to animals then people my whole life. I grew up with them, showed horses from the time I was 4. They were always my best friends growing up.
So how do I deal with the whiplash I seem to be getting from the either extreme lows (almost suicidal) to the highs (I feel I can conquer anything). My neck is starting to hurt from it.
I have never thought of myself as someone who could be happy. Then for one month of my life I was the happiest I can honestly say I have been in my life. Leave it to me. I have lost the love of my life. And rightfully so. One stupid decision, and I messed up everything I have worked so hard for. It’s taking everything in me to not spiral down into what I once was at one point in time. All I want to do is make all these emotions go away. All the self-hatred, pain, the extreme emptiness. There are only two ways I can think of to do that. Neither one is a route I think anyone really wants to travel. But I am not seeing much of a choice anymore. Despite being around family, I feel so alone and lost. I am in a mess of my own making and there is no way out this time. This will probably be the last post for a bit. I am gonna go check myself into a hospital for a bit. I have unraveled to the point I have physically and mentally damaged myself to the point I am scared. I have managed to mess up my life so bad at the moment that I don’t know if I will ever get back to what I thought was happy. I must have pushed everything down so far that it seemed that I had finally gotten past it all. But we all know that life makes liars out of us and boy did it make me one. How do you move on from something that you can’t even be sure your holding on to? How do I let go of the fear of being left again by the one person I should trust with everything in me.
Where do I even begin. This past year has been the worst roller coaster ride ever. There have been some good times and a whole lot of bad times. Somehow I have managed to survive. Don’t ask me how, at this point I am still suprised I have. There have been many times that I seriously debated ending everything, but I managed to overcome those urges and keep on going. I’ve lost so many things this past year; my house, some of my family, friends, things I owned. But it has brought me to probably the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am free of my fears of being abandon, of being alone, of bein worthless. I am in a position at work where I feel I am able to excel and use my considerably bored brain and learn new things. The only thing besides starting completely over from scratch again, is of course my health. Never in a million years did I think that the worst health problem I would have would be being able to walk. I love my job that I have now and I’ll be damned if my job isn’t 95% walking. I am doing everything in my power to keep my positive outlook on life right now, but I have to admit it’s hard as hell. My only positive in this at the moment is this new computer my fiance bought me (mulitiple uses at this point) is allowing me the ability to do this. I haven’t had a way to right nor the will to do a whole lot lately. Things got pretty dark for a while for me. Tom was worried that I wasn’t gonna make it through this for a while. He was so worried and had no clue what to do to help. But I made a decision one morning, and I haven’t looked back. I woke up one monday morning and decided I was gonna be happy no matter what life threw at me. There have been times I would have sworn that life hated me. I have always tried to do right. But with everything I have been through, who wouldn’t have that outlook. I have made myself a promise to do this, as I have found it really does help when I get everything out. And since talking isn’t one of my virtues, writing it down is way easier. So how better to get out what’s on my mind then write it all down. Maybe someone will have an idea that will be the light at the end of the tunnel for me.
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So this week has been the most trying and rough week I have had in a long time. All thanks to the wonderful thing we call family. I am still trying to figure out how people are able to justify someone’s actions that are horrendous in all accounts as ok because “that’s just mom”? How is it ok to tear someone down and blame them for all these things when in reality your the one who did them or is doing them? How can someone deliberately put their own child, someone they claim to love with their whole heart, out as the scapegoat for everything even when they did nothing wrong. I am so sickened by the fact that this was all done over “money”. Something I never honestly believed I would get to begin with based on past experiences with this woman and her greed.
I know I am wrong for some of the things that I did out of anger and hurt. But never in a million years would I have brought an innocent child into something so petty. And for a 60-year-old retired woman, who worked with Social Services most of her life, and adopted 6 children, you would think that she would know better. But no, she is trying to ruin a 15-year-olds life just as he is getting it together and starting to understand himself what it is like to have borderline personality disorder. I have never understood why people always put on airs when they clearly were fake and why people flocked to them. Growing up in school, all the kids in my grade and my age group-ish, flocked to the woman who claims to be my mom. I couldn’t understand why when she clearly was nice to their face and then as soon as they walked away stabbed them in the back to everyone else. And everyone else just went with it. No one believed me when I said she was evil incarnate and I couldn’t wait to leave her house. She was controlling to the point I had no friends growing up. I wasn’t allowed to do the things my cousins (who were the same age) were, hang out by a fire partying or anything. Once I got my drivers license and my own money it got a little better. Still, even when I graduated and had a factory job, I had a curfew that most kids had at 16. I was 18/19. I was so sheltered that when I met my first husband, I had no warning on what life really was. But 5 kids later, I figured it out eventually. Granted that was after DHS, courts, divorce, numerous physical assaults, mental abuse,2 suicide attempts, and the first I had ever heard of borderline personality disorder. By that point, I had lost my kids. Now I have one that is working on transitioning down to live with me permanently and I would do anything and everything to make sure that he has all the help and support that I never got. To this day, the so-called mom, says that if I took things in a certain way that wasn’t on her. I figured her out a long time ago and if it hadn’t been for my sisters and brother would probably have never thought about her again. I learned the hard way that narcissists are people that don’t deserve a spot in my life. Not to mention the fact that I am so sensitive to peoples emotions that they just drained everything in me. It would take me a week to recover myself again. But over and over again, she would ask for help like an infant about things in life that she should have already learned by then. I always came to the rescue, assisting her in things that should have been done by her. Granted I wasn’t the only one in my family that gave in to her. But I have been one of two siblings that have stood up to her and wouldn’t back down. The rest make excuses for her and cater to her every desire. All the while she turns around and says they aren’t doing this or that or leaving her very little to survive on when if she hadn’t blown her check in 4 days flat, she would have been able to take care of herself. Forget the fact that they are paying for a hotel room, all her food, bought her a truck, moved her to Tennessee because she wanted to go (not all did but went anyway) and are taking care of every other little need she might have, it still isn’t good enough and they are just so mean to her. She’s barely surviving. Lord, if only I could survive like that. I would be the most grateful person you had ever met. But no, I earn and work hard for all I have. I wouldn’t have it any other way. This way no one can say “well, I bought this for you or I paid for that”. Never again. I have lost everything more than once and had to start from scratch. It’s made me thankful for all that I do have and gave me the generous heart to open my home to people when they have nothing else. Until Nell, I can honestly say that I have never in my life met anyone as privileged as her. You would think she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and everything in life has been handed to her on a silver platter. When I told her about my writing, her biggest fear was that I would make her out to be this horrible person. Which is why it was so hard to write while she lived with me. I was terrified of upsetting her. Not sure why, but I felt like a little girl and didn’t want her mad at me. Now, all bets are off. I am proud of the fact that I owned up to my family on my issues. I didn’t back down or try to blame everyone else for what I myself did. Nor did I try and lie and keep it from them. Now, I am the worst human being on the earth to her and I am trying to ruin her life, all because I came clean and refused to lie to my sisters. In the process of talking to one sister, I found out some of the stuff that she had been saying about me behind my back to the others. That along with the fact that everyone else that was going to help her deserved to be paid, but I was expected to do it all without question, had me feeling like I was less than dirt. And I reacted. What cornered, hurt, terrified being wouldn’t. I regret acting so rashly, but I do not regret my sisters knowing the truth. She looked down and degraded my one sister’s fiance for using drugs, yet she was using herself. I admitted that I used and that I had stopped when it came to getting my son. I would do anything for him and his sisters. Including giving up my own life. I would never dream of hurting them the way that she has me in the last two weeks. I would never deliberately do something that would potentially harm my niece or sisters and brother for life. Yet she aimed directly at him without a care in the world. That’s about the same as it would be for me to get a hold of my sister’s soon to be ex-husband who is a CSC felon and not supposed to be around children exactly where they were so he could go get his daughter. But I know that I am better than that, that I have better morals. Nope, instead, she went after my 15-year-old son (who is exactly like his mom) and threatened his well being. With that, all bets are off. Now your gonna see a raging tiger protecting her cub with everything she has. Never again will I allow this woman to hurt me or mine. I will do everything the right way, and karma has always been a very good friend of mine. I have never had to “plot” revenge, she has always given those who deserve it what they needed. I have a feeling my life is now going to get a whole lot calmer and hers is going to get even harder for her. Especially now that my siblings know exactly what she did and what her actions caused. All I can say is that I am glad she is out of my life forever and that I know that I am in the right due to the peace in my heart at this moment. Never mess with a MOTHER’S children.